Dear Virgina Public School of Middleness:
Please excuse the absence of my daughter, INSERT NAME HERE, from her absence from school yesterday. She and I both suffered a relapse from the same vicious stomach bug that kept her from school last week. I have sternly instructed her to: bathe in hand sanitizer between classes; not touch anything; not breathe on anyone; and in general do whatever possible to contain this plague from leaving our house.
If you have any questions, please feel free to call me at home ((757)LVA-MSSG) or use my cell number ((757-ATT-SUXX.) It will be welcome break from pickling myself in Lysol while sterilizing the house, the car, and the family dogs.
A VIRGINIAN HOUSEWIFE.
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I figure the admins must read dozens of these letters daily. They deserve to be either entertained or shocked out of their complacency every now and again.