What is it about a blank screen that I find so intimidating, I'll never know.
Ten things I wish I could say
1. I am trying very hard to follow this lifestyle changing diet program, but I have to say that I think your shake recipes suck. I am at a loss for who would actually drink these concoctions if they didn't have to do so. I am frightened that at some point in my life I will actually think these...liquids are tasty. Because when I do, I will formally recognize that it's time for me to die.
2. Please don't stop calling me. I don't telephone you because I don't wish to be intrusive, so I ping you occasionally with electronic means of communication. But don't stop calling me when you feel you're going down for the third time. In fact, call me when you think you're about to slip the first time. Let me help. You don't have to be alone.
3. Oh my GOD please stop calling me. How am I supposed to get anything done? And if you use that cell phone ONE MORE TIME to TATTLE on your siblings, I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. And if I lose it, you most certainly will as well.
4. Beloved children: Please please please do well in school, because college is tremendously expensive and there isn't a lot of extra money on the ground right now.
5. It is truly a sign that we live in a fallen world when your psychotic dog is still alive while my beloved golden is not. My dog never did anything but love the whole world writ large, yours attacks anything that gets too close. And when I say "too close" I mean "within line of sight."
6. Thank you for showing me my entire life what I don't want to be when I grow up. If I can't find anything positive by your example I can least find direction by doing a 180 degree course change.
7. If living well is the best revenge, I will try to fake it as much as possible, because I cannot bear the thought of your being smug. You are just the antithesis of everything I find admirable and worthy.
8. I love you love you love you. In a completely non-creepy, non-threatening way. I would love to be your friend in real life. I can bring a lot of love, support, and laughter to the table. Just saying.
9. I sure hope this party goes well for you but I do have to warn you: I don't know if people like me well enough to show up. I hope the product is popular enough.
10. We need to find a perfume that I like and you aren't allergic to, because sneezing convulsively just kinda kills the mood.